None of it matters really…

Noone is as important as my health. No cute guy is worth of my health. I should seek out the people who will notice when I am gone, when I don’t show up for dinner, when I don’t call them. Noone is worthy of mental and physical health.

I should remember this. I should remind myself of this every day. If a person will be one of my people, they will find me. I shouldn’t always be the one to reach out, I shouldn’t be the only one who keeps on trying.

I’m exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted because of the last three months. No more though.

If a person will be my person, they will come to me. If not, they didn’t want to be my friend or more than friends in the first place. I was just there, I just convenient.

Well, I don’t want that. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best. I don’t want to be anyone’s back-up  plan. So from now on, I will act like that too.

From now on, I will not try, I will not struggle to be more than anything that I am not. My mind can’t just take it. Just like it was once said in a song, I have my books and my poetry to protect me. Also, I am not completely alone. I still have some people. New people are the ones that exhaust me, the ones that I always reach out to mean more. So why bother? I was okay before them and I will be okay after them.

This is just work, this is just office. It doesn’t have to mean more than anything than it really is.

I just want to feel okay again. I just want to feel happy, and whole again.

I think my bulimia is back…

and I’m scared shitless.

Back in 2009, I was treated for bulimia. I have always been overweight since high school, so me being bulimic while being overweight was a surprise. It sounded stupid. With time, it made sense. I relapsed in 2013, but got better again.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been vomiting. After every breakfast and lunch, I vomit. I can’t help it, I feel like dying and vomiting feels like the only method to relief myself from the discomfort. But vomiting regularly has terrible side effects.

I’m exhausted all the time. My mouth smells rotten and my teeth hurt so bad. Also there are psychological side effects. I feel even uglier and more rotten when I look into the mirror. I’m constantly weighing myself and my mood changes with every weight change.

I don’t know what’s going on and this scares me. Right now, we’re on lunch break and I’m scared of eating. Because I know that I will vomit, so I’m like “Why do I even bother?”

I know that what I’m going through doesn’t fit with the description with bulimia completely but same thing happened to me twice and in both times, I was treated for bulimia and I eventually got better.

I don’t want to get through this again, this feeling of helplessness, this fatigue, that self-hate. I already hate myself for being fat and for being depressed. I can’t also hate myself for losing my shit in front of the smallest challenge in my life which is the case of liking someone and not being liked back.

This is why I’m considering cutting my ties with that person, who is so good and sincere. He should be in my life, I should get over him and see him as a friend. But I just can’t. I constantly question what the hell is wrong with me. This is toxic and damaging, I know that but I just can’t help myself. Just like I can’t help myself with vomiting.

 

My Year in Books

I have read more books this year since high school. It’s not a lot compared to other users on Goodreads. But I will still say that I am happy with my results. Some of the books that I’ve read have really been stuck with me. Like A Man Called Ove. I honestly didn’t think that I’d love reading the story; but it was simple, effortless yet sweetly complicated. The most challenging book was In Search of Lost Time. As you may already know, the book is monstrous for one. For second, the language was tough to crack even though I read it in Turkish which is my native language. And for three, I’m not big on portrayals and In Search of Lost Time was full of them!

Here’s a link to my Goodreads Year in Books. I hope you’ll like the books as much as I did. Because I was never disappointed of any book that I read this year. ^__^

 

I have left my job!

I quit my job two weeks ago. For the last two weeks, I have been free. Yes, I still have my freelance translator job. But I work from home for it, and also my freelance job is pretty much enjoyable. So I’m not suffering anymore.

For first few days of my freedom, I wasn’t exactly free. I was still getting messages and phone calls from the office, but now they’re gone also. My phone now only rings for good news. ^__^

I haven’t been able to focus on my freelance job due to being home and being home used to mean being lazy. But slowly I’m getting rid of that mood as well. This weekend, I’ll be cramming for my freelance job and when I create a routine, it’ll be even better.

I’ll be paid less and will be home more. But what’s wrong with these options? I can always go out to take walks, meet my friends more freely without my day job like I’m chained to it.

So this is better and I feel better. And I’m actually more eager to work than before. For my freelance job of course. 🙂

I think I’ll be on the job hunt after a month and when I completed the heaviest workload for freelance job. But I won’t be applying to any job that would make me miserable. So, no more assistant jobs where the job doesn’t even cover my interests. I’ll be looking for jobs where I can write, where I can actually socialize with people and where I can actually be happy and work for years. And if that doesn’t happen, oh well. I’ll start studying for PhD admissions for next Spring anyway, so there won’t be big loss. True that I’ll have less money coming in and I’ll have to adjust to that. But even that’s a better option than working at a job that would make me miserable.

Wish me luck!

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Cold cold cold

Istanbul’s been very cold for a few days. It’s not freezing my ass off cold, but it’s certainly there’s a chill in my bones cold. Maybe I’m getting sick? I don’t know.

Today I have a job interview. The company that I have the interview with is a small lovely place that I frequently shop from. I hope that it goes  well and I can quit my current job. Because this place always puts me on edge. I always have anxiety about something and this is getting tiring. It’s also one of the reasons that I’m always somehow physically sick. It’s affecting my mind and my body.

Weird thing: The place that called me for interview. I haven’t applied to any positions for them in a long time. Like, my last job application was three years ago. THREE YEARS! A lot happened in those three years. I wonder why they decided to call me for an interview. But hey, I’m not complaining. If it is going to save me from this job, I’m all here for it.

I don’t want to put too high expectations for this interview but I can’t help myself. There is a possibility that I’ll work for a great place in a good position and I’m so excited for it! I hope that it goes all well and I’ll get the job.

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Just saying…

I used to think that people who had secretarial jobs had it easy. Just answering phones, organizing calendars and stocking office supplies.

Boy, was I wrong?

Imagine. Your two phones are always ringing, your bosses and every other employer is asking for plane tickets, otel reservations, orders, the paper that they had their hands the other day, anything really. And meanwhile, guests are coming, mails are always coming because e-mails are 2010 right now and snail mail is the way. Not to mention, there’s a ton of paperwork that needs to be finished. But it’s impossible because everyone assumes that you have no job and no qualification whatsoever. You’re one step away from carrying food plates. Because that random employee doesn’t want to eat in the kitchen.

Me? I don’t need to imagine.

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I’ve been living this nightmare for five months now. And hopefully, soon, I’ll be ending this nightmare while dropping the mic on everyone.

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People who have secretarial jobs. Next time, you open that phone line with an exasperated tone, I will only appreciate you and do my best to make your job easier.

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This has been a post.

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Okay, we got that one…

There will be spoilers for the last episode of Game of Thrones and for the books of A Song of Ice and Fire…

So proceed with caution…

 

 

You’re good? Then let’s go…

At the last episode of Game of Thrones, we finally saw Jon Snow, bastard of Winterfell, but the true king of Westeros (according to Gilly anyway), petting Drogon. But according to books, it’s strongly hinted that there will be three riders of three dragons.

In the previous seasons, when Tyrion interacted with Viserion and Rhaegal, I was jumping with joy. Tyrion was going to be one of the riders of the dragons. But this season? Nothing.

One theory is that dragons only allow people who has Targaryen blood. But in the books, that’s not necessary. In the books, there’s also a character who interacts with the dragons and don’t get burned. I don’t remember the character’s name but he was from the South and had no chance of being a Targaryen.

Although, there is also a theory Tywin hated Tyrion not only because he was a dwarf but also a bastard of Targaryen, but I don’t want to believe that.

In my opinion, books should be more inside of the shows and should show us Tyrion interacting with the dragons again. And maybe a glimpse of a future where Daenerys, Jon and Tyrion ride the three dragons. The Iron Throne does not have to belong to one person after all.