Today, I’m 32

Today I’m 32. I think, I’m at the age when Sex and the City characters were first introduced. When I first watched the show, I was in my early twenties and the characters looked so mature and… old to be honest. When they referred to a man as a cutie, I was disgusted. Because those men were also old. Too old.

Now, when I look back and remember the pilot, Carrie looks like a teenager to me. And Steve is not that gross, he’s quite cute actually.

Today I’m 32 and I know that it’s not that big of a deal, but it feels like it is. Those late late twenties mentality is almost gone and I feel mature enough to lead myself. Until this year, I let anyone decide for me. From now on, I don’t want to do that.

I’m not saying that I know myself now. I’m still starting something, but I know better some things. Unfortunately not everything. But at least, I know what to expect from myself and from others.

I know that my closest friend won’t be celebrating my birthday and that’s okay. She’s dealing with a huge loss. I also know that another close friend of mine will forget the day, because she has problems that I couldn’t possibly compare.

What I have written so far, sounds like a big nonsense. But it means something to me and I’d love to remember this day when I realized that I know few things about myself. Even though, not about world. I’m still too young. Maybe I always will be.

 

Almost 32 and happy about it

I am a body dysmorphic without the dysmorphic. I am a bulimic without the sick. I am fat. – Rae Earl, My Mad Fat Diary (TV show)

I will be 32 on May 16th. When I was stretching this morning, I just realized. After years and years of torturing my body while losing and gaining weight, I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to lose weight and be that strong and healthy woman that I know that I can be. But right now, I’m also happy the way I am. Yes, I have a lot of extra on my body but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less. I know that I will lose all of that extra some day, but in the mean time, I’ll continue to be me. Not someone imperfect just because she has some extra.

I used to read those articles where women embraced their bodies by the time they were in their thirties and I couldn’t believe them. Not having the perfect body and still feeling yourself beautiful. No way in seven hells. But this morning, I realized that this was the case for me as well. Years of shunning myself from the clothes that I wanted to wear seems like a waste now. Or not going to gym just because I didn’t look the part. It was all ridiculous. And for nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have my body issues. I still identify with that quote from My Mad Fat Diary. But in the mean time, I know that I’m alright. And if I go to gym, it’s to be healthy. Not to be perfect.

I hope that you’ll get your realizations too someday. Because it’s worth it.

Francie Nolan in the beginning

I used to lie. When I was a kid, I lied all the time. Now I don’t even know why. Maybe it was because reality was too harsh for a kid like me. So, I lied.

When I read A Tree Grown in Brooklyn, there was a part where Francie lied and her teacher recommended her to write stories instead of lying. This was a big realization for me. I was about twelve and I was lying a lot and the exact thing was happening to a girl in a novel that I had been reading. After that my habit of lying slowly diminished. I was telling a white lie sometimes, but mostly I preferred telling the truth.

Now, nearly 20 years later, I’m a terrible liar but excellent lie detector. Because I was once a liar, I don’t know how I got bad at lying. Once I stopped, I didn’t want to go back there again. And after years and years of not lying, I forgot how to.

I think, when we are growing up, we learn how to lie. But, for me, since I was a liar in the beginning, I needed to learn how to tell the truth.

So, this is something about me and my childhood.

First post…

Hello!

Someone told me that WordPress is very important and I should start a blog in here. This is what I’m doing right now.

What will you find in this blog?

Mostly books and television shows. Lots of photography. Sometimes notes on depression since I’m battling with it.

I guess, that’s that.

Here’s a gif of Steve Rogers. I’m ready for this!

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