I think my bulimia is back…

and I’m scared shitless.

Back in 2009, I was treated for bulimia. I have always been overweight since high school, so me being bulimic while being overweight was a surprise. It sounded stupid. With time, it made sense. I relapsed in 2013, but got better again.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been vomiting. After every breakfast and lunch, I vomit. I can’t help it, I feel like dying and vomiting feels like the only method to relief myself from the discomfort. But vomiting regularly has terrible side effects.

I’m exhausted all the time. My mouth smells rotten and my teeth hurt so bad. Also there are psychological side effects. I feel even uglier and more rotten when I look into the mirror. I’m constantly weighing myself and my mood changes with every weight change.

I don’t know what’s going on and this scares me. Right now, we’re on lunch break and I’m scared of eating. Because I know that I will vomit, so I’m like “Why do I even bother?”

I know that what I’m going through doesn’t fit with the description with bulimia completely but same thing happened to me twice and in both times, I was treated for bulimia and I eventually got better.

I don’t want to get through this again, this feeling of helplessness, this fatigue, that self-hate. I already hate myself for being fat and for being depressed. I can’t also hate myself for losing my shit in front of the smallest challenge in my life which is the case of liking someone and not being liked back.

This is why I’m considering cutting my ties with that person, who is so good and sincere. He should be in my life, I should get over him and see him as a friend. But I just can’t. I constantly question what the hell is wrong with me. This is toxic and damaging, I know that but I just can’t help myself. Just like I can’t help myself with vomiting.


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